Rethinking Confidence + 16 ways to step into yours
Why am I writing a blog about confidence? Because every time I book in shoot, a huge role of mine (apart from planning, directing and executing the shots) is to gently lead and encourage my courageous sitters to awaken their confidence. It’s the most important part of my work. I don’t want you to walk away with nice photos unless they’ve changed you and helped you step into your truth. And here’s the thing…
It’s completely natural to feel threatened when you step in front of the lens.
But it’s possible to transform that fear into something empowering and this brings me to why I care so much about learning about and nurturing confidence in others. And why I care about our relationship with confidence and how it affects and shapes our whole lives.
What is confidence?
Before we dig into this I think it’s helpful to define what we’ve been led to think confidence is. (And then we can redefine it!) The dictionary definition says that confidence is: the feeling or belief that one can have faith in or rely on someone or something.
We also might resonate with words such as self-belief or being able to do hard things. Like talk to new people with ease or find speaking in public easy. We might even struggle with the word altogether and feel like it’s when people brag or are full of themselves or even self-centred and loud. You might already feel like a confident person or you may feel that some people are born with it and some aren’t. We can feel confidence in some situations and not in others.
I’ve come to believe and this blog aims to unpick and uncover where some of these limiting beliefs originate. I’ve realised that women have to reclaim their confidence and unlearn what we have been conditioned to all our lives. Something about this quote from Dr Becky Kennedy seems to grasp the heart of it:
“Confidence is trusting yourself, your self knowledge and knowing that you are good inside”
Another way of thinking about it is the ability to tolerate the feelings that come up within you. Therefore any attempts at being visible and putting yourself out there can be tolerated and seen as learning (growth mindet) rather than the thinking of what’s the point I’m going to fail anyway (fixed mindset). And this can be in friendships, in marriages, at work or building a career on your terms. It is DEFINITELY a skill that can be nurtured and no there is nothing wrong with you if you don’t feel as confident as you wish you did. And note that it doesn’t matter where you see yourself on the scale of extroversion and introversion. Introverted people can feel confident and extroverted people don't always naturally lean this way.
I’m grateful to Lauren Currie and the Upfront community for reminding me that there is absolutely nothing wrong with us and our lack of confidence. Her mission is to change confidence, not women. Amen to that!
“TAKING CREDIT IS A FEMINIST ACT”
It’s important here to say what real confidence isn't. Arrogance and faking it til you make it does not equal true confidence. There is a way to achieve a true inner confidence based on our innate worth and doing it in a gracious way. Our confidence can inspire and empower others and speak up for ourselves in a way that we deserve. This is a pretty rebellious thing to do when you think about it. Being ourselves and being authentic is something that women are not traditionally encouraged to do. Let’s consider some of the reasons why…
WHY IS CONFIDENCE SO HARD?
It feels like a British thing doesn’t it that we don’t want to be too loud or be seen as show-off. Girls in particular grow up learning not to make a fuss. We see other women keeping the peace and letting others shine. I’ve come to realise that women have been conditioned to not be confident. Intentionally throughout history we have been socially conditioned to be rewarded for staying small. This is something that I have spend time reading and talking about with many people. From reading myths of strong female figures that have been intentionally suppressed throughout history and reading books like Playing Big by Tara Mohr has helped me really see the scope of this feminine disenchantment.
One of the most helpful for me chapters in Playing Big was the one on Good Girl Mentality. Girls historically perform well at school and achieve good grades but that success and confidence doesn’t seem to play out in the work place or serve us as adults. Why is that? Why is there a gender pay gap and why are women are seen as uncharacteristically ambitious when trying to climb the career ladder? If we look at the experience of girls at school, here are the things that they are actually getting good at:
High grades by regurgitating facts and figures in an externally imposed framework
Pleasing whoever is at the front of the room
Rewards for confirming to rules
Obeying authority
So you can see that this ‘success’ is really about following rules, people pleasing and a lot of the time disregarding our own opinions, thoughts and intuition. And we don’t even realise that we are being rewarded for this!
I was that girl.
I listened, believed and respected what adults told me as a young girl, and now as an adult I wish I questioned more of it. I almost went into the wrong career following my academic abilities rather than my heart and passion. It’s imperative that authority is questioned and we hold leaders to account . All great organisations flourish and evolve where this happens. But we never got to practice challenging figures of authority and having two-sided discussions and therefore lack these critical skills of negotiating and influencing those higher than us in our adult lives. We learned to please rather than challenge and then we carry this on unconsciously in our lives and workplaces. Our needs and feeling are often disregarded and in worst case scenarios our mental health suffers. I’ve lost count how many women I have heard tell these stories from. I’m grateful that they have been shared with me…
Another teaching methodology that we experienced at school was absorbing and learning material from the outside. We learnt from books or the internet (if we are young enough!) and then succeeded by regurgitating that information. Being competent meant being educated which is turn really means learning and internalising what men have said about a subject for the past few hundred years. As a result we are more concerned with what we know than who we are. And a huge result of all this is that we’re unable to trust our innately wise inner voice. Something I’m learning too late in my life (it feels!) is that my intuition is as valid as any knowledge and information that I can learn.
There are countless stories of women throughout the ages who are penalised or killed for expressing the very qualities that men rarely get challenged on. Here’s just one example below from over 2000 years ago but if we look closely, we can still see this bias playing out subtly in the 21st century.
We know better and can do better. We are beginning to de-colonise history and hear from female and queer voices and I believe that we will be a richer society because of it.
is this why Visibility is so hard?
I definitely think it’s a contributing factor. If we consider that our good girl conditioning grants us success by doing the work and then handing it to the teacher, rather than sharing and being proud of our work internally, then yes. I love the shift in education and allowing children to be proud of themselves. In fact growth mindset tells us if we over-praise a child for their achievements and not their effort and ideas, then we create little people who think they can only love and validation in achieving. When we encourage and praise effort as well as ideas, we are telling these little humans that they are in control and that their gifts and talents are theirs. As women, have never been handed these skills for visibility.
Something I heard once that stuck with me was that true visibility is seeing yourself and your worth. You need that before you can use it out in the world - whether that’s raising something with your boss or starting a difficult conversation. Once you’ve experienced and felt that true nature and power within yourself, you can bottle that and hold it close for when you need it.
“You realise you aren’t everyone’s cup of tea and if you were you’d be really weak!”
I use mantras and music to reawaken it within me. When you truly see yourself in this way (and often we need communities around us like Upfront modelling this to us) you start to care less what others think. You realise you aren’t everyone’s cup of tea and if you were you’d be really weak! I see this in my photography work - as I guide people to connect to their why and their value and show up as themselves, that’s when they really see they power and worth and voice that they can use to being hope and good to the world. And I love that last year 77% of my clients felt an INCREASE in confidence after their shoot. The rest maintained their starting confidence. None felt worse. Here’s what they said:
“I was confident going in, but the atmosphere you created on the day made me feel even more so.”
“I’ve spent a lot of my adult life not being comfortable in my own skin. It’s a work in progress but our shoot helped me to see myself in a different light, felt like getting back to being me.”
But won’t I feel vulnerable?
Yes! Designer Sara from BishBash Design reminded me that confidence is being vulnerable. The amazing Brene Brown reminds us that it takes COURAGE to be vulnerable. But the beautiful paradox is that being able to be vulnerable makes us feel strong. It builds strong and powerful communities and connections too which brings us emotional safety and I think this is true feminine power. I love THIS definition of confidence.
“Confidence in vulnerability”
Is confidence an inner or outer job?
I really strongly believe that it is both. And by that I mean that our creative choices and ways of expressing who we are on the inside but on the outside can physically affect what happens inside our brain and body. I’m in no way advocating that we dress to please someone else or adhere to some unrealistic expectations set by the beauty industry. No way! But I know from experience that there are things that people do to help us remember who there are and to awaken their confidence inside. Some people like to wear a red lippy or a pair of shoes that help them stand tall or a dress that makes me feel feminine and special. I have a huge labradorite ring that makes me feel powerful and love getting my nails done to express the important things that are going on in my month.
And there is science to actually back this up! Social psychologist Amy Cuddy has an incredible Ted X Talk based on this very concept. She explains how body language affects how others see us, but it may also change how we see ourselves. She argues that "power posing" and standing in a posture of confidence, even when we don't feel confident -- can boost feelings of confidence, change our brain chemistry and might have an impact on our chances for success. Watch it now and be amazed. I love that my photography process is now backed up y science!
But our thinking and internal chatter can also come to our aid as well. On a shoot it’s a really powerful moment when people open up about their fears and insecurities and felt listened to and also realise that these are normal and natural reactions. I’ll never forget a few years ago working with a new founder who was really struggle to get into the groove on a shoot. The moment I asked her about how she will feel when she received an email with people wanting to work with her, her whole body melted and she just started to sparkle! Her purpose and passion became physically manifested in her body. Our imagination is really powerful! Bringing people in the moment through their senses such as feeling the sun on their face and feeling their aliveness in that moment is another trick I use to tap into our inner confidence and authenticity. And then when they see the truth of them reflected back to them in their images on the back of the camera, it keeps fuelling confidence for the next shots. This process is pure magic ✨
But our inner critic is always on the prowl and thinks its trying to keep us safe. Some of the most powerful ways of hearing, acknowledging this critic and then moving forwards without it’s power over you is the Artist’s Way program, journalling , meditating (I love headspace ) and the chapter on this in Playing Big.
Here’s my top tips to help you in small practical ways both for your photoshoot and your life:
Confidence is a pillar in my work and something I’m trying to embrace more in my life. It’s been a thread through all my careers to encourage and equip people to step into their confidence in creative ways. Expressing yourself and awakening your voices is my deepest hope for you. I hope some of these help you to do just that.
Know your why. Shift thinking about self-promotion and marketing to experimenting with being visible and helping others through your skills. One of my favourite mantras encapsulates this so perfectly: Someone somewhere needs to hear what I have to say.
Remember that you’ve been conditioned to lack confidence and you are not broken. It was never going to be easy for women with such a lack of education on how to do this and being rewarded for not doing this. Go easy on yourself with kindness and compassion.
Use your body to change your brain. Watch the Amy Cuddy video and practice powerful positions and see how it affects how you feel inside. Whether waiting in queue at the Post Office or having a difficult conversation. Literally take up more space with your body.
Wear your inside on the outside! Small intentional, things can have a huge effect! Try things like wearing your favourite outfit or bright lipstick when you need to show up for something. Start to become aware of what outfits help you step into your confidence. Or what pieces of jewellery help you shine and feel sparkly on the inside too.
Make peace with yourself that you will never feel ready. Confident people don’t always feel that way. Taking action without feeling ready is how people achieve things in the world. Let something deeper can drive your purpose. A bigger, wider and generous goal is pulling you forward.I wrote a blog to help my clients here.
Embrace vulnerability. People who seemingly do brave and confident things aren’t always feeling it on the inside. Find softness and grace and humility to feel vulnerable and trust that your honesty and openness is nurturing community and helping someone. (You won’t always get feedback -you have to trust!)
Befriend your inner critic. After all they’re trying to keep you safe. Say thank you and embrace your inner mentor. Or imagine what you’d say to your best friend or child in the same situation. Notice the inner critic when it shows up too. This is a lifetime’s work and there are tools that can really help. I find the mediations on the headspace app help me with noting as does journalling. Catching that irritating voice and be conscious of its existence is a huge step.
Meet your inner mentor! This is a visualisation from the book Playing Big and one of the most transformational ways of replacing my inner critic and developing my inner intuition with a wise voice. You can do it here!
When you see a confident women question your unconscious bias. Then celebrate her! Start to praise and acknowledge women standing up for themselves or achieving amazing things. Our instinct is to be jealous and judge. Who do they think they are? Change the conversation inside your own head.
Grow your confidence in a trusted community. Find cheerleaders for the bad days. Whether family or friends. Or wonderful communities like Upfront and Found & Flourish. All these have been beacons for me and I am forever grateful for their generosity and encouragement.
Know your worth. You are a human being not human doing. As an enneagram 4 with a 3 wing and a good-girl high-achiever I tend to feel better when I’m accomplishing things. I really need to surrender to doing nothing sometimes and feel my worth then too. A lot easier said than done but sometimes doing nothing is doing something.
Look at yourself through someone else’s lens. Ask friends for their 3 favourite qualities that they love in you. They will love doing it!
Get in front of the lens with an encouraging presence and female gaze. And if you (don’t!) feel ready let’s chat about a Power Portrait and let’s really celebrate you and how far you’ve come. Book yourself a chat with me here.
Check your energy. Are you well rested? Are you hungry? What part of your monthly cycle are you in? Harness those bigger tasks or big asks at work when you have the resources to smash it. We will be on the back foot if our basic needs aren’t met. Remember Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. Thanks to my dear friend Prarthana for this insight.
Grab my FREE resources below including prep guide, what to do with your hands on a shoot and my favoruite mantras. One of my favourite mantras that can really turn this all on it’s head and helps me step out int my confidence is “My message is greater than my fear”. In an instant I can stand taller and put myself out there.
Blast out some tunes and get moving. This is guaranteed to shift my mood when I need to perform and lead. Here’s my own playlist here.
“The message in me is greater than my fear. ”
Well how do you feel after this read? What are you going to do now? I really hope that this has been food for thought and I have in some small way contributed to building women’s confidence and that more of your voices will be heard. Whether it’s for a difficult conversation, sharing something on instagram or starting that new business, the worlds needs your heart, compassion, ideas and contributions.
“THE MOST BEAUTIFUL THING YOU CAN WEAR IS CONFIDENCE.”
Drop me a DM LINK or leave a comment below sharing what has made you think or anything additional that comes up when you think about your own confidence journey. I really love conversations about these important topics and am dying to hear from you.
Here’s my parting gift to you. (I hate saying goodbye!) I created a Confidence manifesto for you to download and keep. (I also have 33 poses for your photoshoot, what do to with your headshots and a few more. All free for YOU!)
As Don Draper says in my favourite show Mad Men - “If you don’t like what people are saying, change the conversation.” Let’s change the narrative and celebrate strong and confident women and how they are changing the world for good.
Standing tall and proud.
I believe in you.
You got this!
Love Donna x
References:
Good Inside by Dr Becky Kennedy
This episode of We Can Do Hard Things
Playing Big by Tara Mohr
Growth Mindset by Carol Dweck
I’d love to keep in touch with you over on Instagram.